so far...

i think that for a while there, i kinda forgot i had a blog! ahahha. btu anyway...i had my second driving lesson today. surprisingly, it went really well. ahhaa. i told the lady that i just might've forgotten how to drive, but while we were driving, she said that i was doing really well and that the examiners would definately pass me when i take the test. wooohooooo! ahhaha. butttt. it was hella gross cuz i was chewing gum and i guess after you chew the same piece of gum for a while, it gets really soft, or something. and the lady kept talking and talking and i had no where to spit it and i had to respond and the gum had basically disintegrated in my mouth! and it was all pasty and nasty. so you know what i ended up doing? swallowing it. it was the most disgusting thing everrr. ahah. note to self: never chew gum while on a driving lesson. haha.

anywayyy. i don't think i ever talked about the end of school. well, it was the same old boring crap, except with that stupid little bit of added drama. but that's all over now, and it was stupid to begin with. but whateverrrr. we're seniors! ahhh. it's so exciting but scary at the same time. pretty soon, we'll be applying for....college! ahhhhhh!

also, that stupid, stupid trip. jeez. okay, it was beautiful, but it was not quite as fun as i imagined. first, they lied. the tour guide did not speak two languages, he spoke one almost the whole time, so i had no idea what was going on. two, i kept falling asleep cuz i didn't understand, i was on the bus, got motion sickness, and got massive headaches cuz i was sleeping so much! three, my mom got mad at me for sleeping so much and said that i should listen (even though i didn't understand jackkk). four, they dropped us off at the hotel at like 6, plus, some of those hotels were...ifffy. five, i know we were in the canadian rockies, but everytime i looked out the window, it looked like the exact same mountain! ahahha. and six. at our last stop, i got these mosquito bites and i was like yeahhh whateverrr. but then, i got home, and they started swelling and turning an unnatural shade of red. it was brighter than firecracker red. sooo in this condition (swollen ankles and hardly able to walk) my mom drags me to the mall to look for shoes for my niece. and who do i run into? none other than, anthony. ahah. i really didn't want to see anyone, especially in my bright pink capris and swollen ankles. ahha. so i went to the doctors and they said that i have infected mosquito bites and my mom was all concerned because they were "canadian mosquito bites." hahahhaa. ohh well. so it's antibiotics for 10 days and a whoolleeee lot of benadryl to keep the itching at bay. :[ oh well. so much for that. ahhaa. but i guess it was good to get away...


and OMG. people keep making fun of me for liking.....CAMP ROCK. ahhahahaa. seriousllyyyy. okay, well i didn't think that i liked the jonas brothers that much. hahah. i knew i liked them but not like OMGGGG i likee them. then, i watched camp rock and was like ahhhhhhhhh! ahhaha. and they're also like..pshhhh who wants to see the jonas brothers at endfest? and i'm like I DO!!!!!

this whole blog is so entirely random and looonggg, but whatever. know what? i haven't talked to mofo in foreverrrrrr. okay. i lied. i think it's been....since his birthday, i think? but still a lonng lonng time. actually, it's been a long time since i've called him mofo too. ahahhaha. god my life is so out of order. i put everything on hold for things that i shouldn't have been waiting for. but i guess that's always how i've been. always wanting what i can't have. always. but for once, i just wish that i had gone with the moment, instead of hesitating, then later living in the past. for future reference, i will at least try to do that next time...if i am lucky enough to have it happen to me again.. so for now, i guess i will be going....

down.

i don't like feeling so down. i don't even know why i am. i shouldn't be! summer is almost heerreeeeeee! i should be happy. i don't know. i think that i just..need some time off. maybe. or, avoidance is always key.

stress, stress, stress!

ahhh! i should not feel stressed! not at all! but, i am. i don't know. everything feels so messed up. and i was not in a good mood today at all. it's silly anyway. i shouldn't be upset. i knew this was going to happen. and besides, i had my chance. this is ridiculous, and this needs to stop. now.

interviews.

ahh! so friday was the interview i was anticipating. i was excited..kinda, and i got an early dismissal! yay! haha. anywayy..i sat there and then there was already two people sitting there and then i sat down and two more came in and i remember thinking "oh my god. please do not tell me that this is a group interview." and of course, it had to be one. lol. anyway. i was just like. ahh! kill me. because i knew i'd get nervous speaking in front of other people. and all my plans to give a good impression got shot to hell cuz i was so nervous! anyway..so we were supposed to introduce ourselves, and OMG. i saw daniel ng again. ahhaha. i did not recognize him; it was so crazy. but it looked like he didn't remember me. haha. oh well. i just hope i did well. i mean, considering we answered the same question right after one another, and it was like the same answers...but idk. i really want this job. otherwise, i might apply for armani exchange..but that's only if they don't have an age requirement. abercrombie would've been my first choice, but 1. you have to be 17 2. you have to work like 4 times a week even though you want to be a parttimer 3. i don't have transportation....which if that was really the case, i wouldn't apply for any job at all..but whateverrr.

ahhaha. i really shouldn't be blogging. i spent the whole day procrastinating. lol. however, i DID finish my paper for photography. let me tell you..that was the easiest paper i've ever written! i also went driving with my mom..but she wouldn't let me out of the parking lot. i mean, i understand why she wouldn't the first day because we needed to establish where i was on the driving scale of 1-10, but the second day?! come on, i'm better than that! ahhaha. and then she asked me, are you ready to go on the road? and i'm like..hmm. i think that question is more for you. lool. anywhooo. i will get back to work. or at least attempt to..



OH BUGGER. i just checked. and you need to be at least 18 to work at armani.dammit. ahhaa. why ami never old enough to do anything!?

mother's day.

whooop. happy mother's day! it was uneventful..especially since we celebrated it on friday. LOL. but geeezzz. i felt bad today. there was so much to do at work that we couldn't leave, and i hadn't even started my junior project yet! it was a dilemma, i tell you. anyway, i got all antsy because we weren't leaving..and i was in the bitchiest mood. my momma doesn't deserve that any day, but especially mother's day! anyway, i made her a really cool card that she really likes! it was like of a sunset and palm trees with....yup, you guessed it! a treasure box! tafoya's class was making cute little boxes so i had my genius idea. ahhaa. it was cool. i cut out a little box on the card and stuck it in. i also folded a bunch of money into squares to pay for the shoes and when she opened it, she kept saying: "whooo!" hahaa. pachia says it's such typical asian behavior. AHHAHA.

anyway, JUNIOR PROJECT! sheeeeeesssshh. i was soo stressed. i still am, actually. but since i got most of the powerpoint done, i'm chill. i just have to wait until tomorrow, because typical me, i FORGOT my book in my locker. :[ but it's all thanks to pachia that i finished. ahhaha. she helped me form my thesis and everything. ahah. it's funny. we're so alike. when i first started, i had the same background AND font as her! it was scarrrryyy. then i told her i was blogging and she was like OMGGGG i just did too! haha. i'm so silly.

okay, okay. this must be the most i've typed in this blog...ever! ahha. i think that i should get going. i really really need to finish my other work. FJKADSA. i'm not going to be ready for anything!!! let's seee: spanish test tomorrow, civil rights test tuesday, junior project presentation tuesday, thank god i'm not taking the ap (ahahah), work on spanish presentation, interview friday, yearbook interview sometime soon... AHHHH.

okay. breattheeeee. it's gonna be fine josephine. oh, side note, (beware. i'm going to talk to myself. lol.) josephine. all this is not good for your heart. calm down and stop thinking about it. HHHAH. okay. goodnight!

i'll call it.

or maybe not. i will never ever ever try to call anyone's bluff ever again. i will not, i refuse to go into details, but let's just say that this morning was interesting...and shockingly, i kept thinking about it. occasionally. wow. ahhaha. okay, onto writing my intro for the JUNIOR PROJECT!


oh..ps. happy cinco de mayo! oops, i just typed mayon. HAHA. it was fun. as i was getting off work, i heard some music with a really nice bass..people celebrating cinco de mayo, no doubt. but it was really cute. well, what i saw in my head anyway. lol.

my sun after the storm.

hmm. i had a really bad day today. i finally let a few more people know about that "elusive not so much of a past" of mine. it was terrible. it always feels good to talk about it, but then i always feel terrible after. it's like those family responsibilities are too ingrained in my mind. it always goes back to protecting my family. there are so many things i wish i could do, but i never really can. and i was just thinking today, when i was sad, that it kind of scares me how much i depend on you for my existence when i'm sad. i don't know. eventually, i guess i can't always use you as a crutch, but right now, it feels so comforting to know that somehow, things will get better once you say: "josie! how have you been? we haven't talked in a long time!" even though it's only been a few days. i don't know. i think i just need a few days, even months, to sort through all this. and then maybe, only maybe, will i be fine.

4/20

so hmm. yesterday was 4/20. national weed day. i didn't even remember it until someone mentioned it in class. hahaha. mannn. my roll of film came out, but my favorite picture got blanked out. :[ boo. okay. i need to start my homework. i'm so sick of doing these things. just knowing the end of school is near makes me lazy. i also need to start on my spanish presentation.. :[ okay, off to do, or try to do, homework!

wheeeeeee

i'm a semi good driver. :] at least that's what the instructor said...i finally had my first lesson today! wooot. ahha. and i'm not dead..so that's an added bonus. anywayyyy. hmm. i know i wanted to write more, but i just can't remember right now. ahhaa. i do remember when cosgrove was gone though, and we had mr. miles as a sub. his instructions were: "let the debate groups who haven't gone yet get together to work. and for the others, allow them to work on their annotated bibliographies. but it it doesn't happen, don't force it." hahha. i love that man. but sometimes i feel bad for him because no one really listens and when the bell rings and he's still talking, everyone just leaves. :/

fhdsklfjsklad. i hate being absentminded. oh well, i guess i will write more later....if i remember.



EDIT.

i was feeling a bit nostalgic (when i was on myspace becuase i'm hardly ever on anymore..) and i decided to llok through all my messages. let me tell you, that was such a terrible idea. now i feel extremely sad and stupid. note to self: never, never, ever do that again.

woot.

so i just finished my second data sheet for cosgrove! woot. i'm so happy. HAHAHAA. i was prepared AND early this time. :] anyway. these days have been hectic, and i feel to tired to write about my days, but anyway. just something i wanted to share:

I've carefully attached the two files discussed in class today. Do not tear them when you unattached them. If you do, Google "Scotch Tape"and follow instructions.C

okay, this may sound weird, but seriously. Mr. Cosgrove is the cutest little old man. AHHAHAAAHH.

spring break

doesn't feel so spring breaky. hahha. i'm bored out of my mind. i want to be somewhere else instead of baby sitting. on the bright side, i got my permit! yayyyyy! and my first driving lesson is this friday, good friday. :] and i also got a job offer to be a summer teacher's assistant at sac state for the ats program. i thought that was preeetyy cool. i decided to apply because i thought it'd be a fun experience, so i hope i get it.... (you had to send your transcript along with it...). hm..my life is extremely boring. i've already run out of things to say! hmmm. well, lately i've been "documenting" the growth of these flowers in my backyard. they're soo cute! but my sister thinks i'm weird. haha. oh well. fjdslkafjds. i guess i'm going to go be lazy and get fat, sitting in front of the tv, stuffing my face.

blackouts.

AHH! they are the scariest things ever! well, todays friday, finally. we had our renaissance rally, wohoo! :] i think that this was the best one yet; it was so cool. we had the "do you know the lyrics" and it was so fun just singing along and laughing. then we had "PROJECT RENAISSANCE" which was just like project runway (kinda), and Pachia was the winner! her dress was really cute. i would've totally bought it if it was sold in stores...only, i wouldn't want it glued together with super glue. LOL. but anyyway. yesterday...we had a blackout at school! it was soo scary. there i was just trying to develop pictures in the darkroom when the red light turns black and i was thinking that it burnt out or something. then the lights flickered and everything went totally black. tafoya came in and "rescued" us but there wasn't enough room in the capsule, so one person had to stay behind. and let me just say thank god that person wasn't me! haha. but we went back in to get our stuff and i nearly blinded everyone with the flash on my phone. then walking to second period was a major pain. everything was in chaos and it was pitch black. but upstairs wasn't so bad; we had skylights. so that's cool. anywayyy. the end to my very adventurous day was going all the way to border's to exchange my chuck palahniuk books for anne lamott (which pachia referred me to.) palahniuk was too graphic for me, but lamott is too into detail. ahh! what will i do? i frantically raced to finish in time today. let me say that i will never procrastinate so much in my life again! anyway, i have a really bad pain in my leg, so i think i'll just get some sleep.

ten ten.

Write 10 things about 10 people without saying their names. Say something you would want them to know but wouldnt tell them.

1. there are so many things to say. well first of all, i'm sorry that we fell out of touch. but maybe we just weren't meant to be "bffs." well, on your part, really. no matter how hard i tried, it seemed to me like you kept on screwing it up on purpose; like our friendship meant nothing to you. maybe our friendship didn't mean to you what it did to me. you were the person who i confided everything to. and up to a point, it actually seemed like you cared. then slowly, slowly we drifted apart. maybe it was my fault and i wasn't trying hard enough. but in a way, a friendship is like a relationship and both parties have to give a little something. it's all so confusing. i think that maybe i was the one who made the mistake and wasn't willing to let go of so many memories we both left behind. but, i had always thought that our friend ship was stronger than that. i remember the time we both said that even though we'd be going to different schools, being separated for the first time since fourth grade, we'd still be bffs. i guess we both just gave up on that, little by little.

2. when i first met you, i remember my first thoughts. in fact, i remember almost everything that has to do with you. it may sound a little weird, but you have to understand that i was a bit...infatuated with you. in some ways, i believe that i still am. but then the fog begins to clear and everything that i've blocked from my brain rushes back at me and it hurts. i really thought that there was something there. but then again, i've always been the hopeless romantic, searching for the impossible. my young, undeveloped brain just couldn't understand the mood transformations you went through. one day you were my knight in shining armor; making me laugh and feel beautiful and i remembered thinking that every girl should have someone like you because then they'd feel special. like they were the only person that you had ever loved. days passed and then i gave in. i fell for your charms and it nearly ruined everything in my life. when i look back on it, i have no regrets about anything that happened. but then i see your face and a wave a sadness rushes over me and i wonder why you just can't remember how much fun we used to have.

3. you know what's weird? i hardly know you, but i know you. sometimes i feel like i'm more comfortable when i talk to you than when i talk to anyone else. but lately, you've been gone. like some huge part of my life has been ripped out of me, thus taking my hope with it. i miss you like crazy and it may sound like i'm crazy, but i'm not. you were there for me when really, no one else was. you say all the silliest things just to make me laugh; i dont' know how i would've gotten through anything without you. but, i think it's a good thing that you've been gone. it means that you're living your life. you're getting started with your dream. i know you didn't want it this way, but we all have to start out somewhere, right? just know that you have probably been one of the few people who have touched my heart (as lame as that sounds) and i will never forget you. i hope you won't forget me either and that you'll invite me to your wedding, all expenses paid. hahaa. you are such a cutie pie! and i'm going to say it, even though i know you "banned" my from saying it. i hope that one day, you will finish that song we've been talking about and you'll play it for me. :] but firstly, i just want you to be happy.

4. thank you for being in my life. i know that there are a lot of things that we don't tell each other but i still feel that we can't possibly be any closer. though this year been so hectic and crazy, i'm glad that we still talk. i thought we lost it for a little while there, but we both needed time to fix our crazy lives. i'm sorry i couldn't help you in your time of need, even though you said i did. i wish i could tell you everything, but i just don't want to put an even bigger weight on your shoulders. you've done enough for me by just being there. i know you think that a lot of people don't approve of your decision, but just do what makes you happy. in time, you'll find that all your true friends will still be next to you. don't dwell on the past and be sad. you have a great life in front of you with people who love you. i know you can do great things.

5. hi. sorry i've been so terrible to you. i've tried my hardest to reconcile things and though we're on a talking basis now, i feel like things could never be what they used to. we'll never have that casual banter back. or the silly name calling. or those late night iMs. even though it's a little awkward now, just know that i will always love you.

6. you know, sometimes i act silly and i act like i'm always happy. that's probably why you feel like you can always come to me. i don't mind that, really. but sometimes...it irritates me the way you expect so much and give so little. i know you get irritated with me too, and that's okay. we all just need a little breather once in a while.

7. this will probably come off as harsh and unsensitive, but i think it's right for you to know what i think, and what others do too. we all want you to be happy even though you're convinced we don't. it's just that some of the the decisions you've made haven't been the wisest. i'm the last person you'd want to hear it from, but i'm disappointed in you. time and time again, i thought that you would learn from your mistakes and be better. but you just keep doing it over and over. i'm disappointed to see that you're not trying. you're not making an effort to be any better when i know that deep, deep down, there is someone better. it also angers me because i don't see any change in you. with this newfound responsibility, you were supposed to change and become more open hearted and think with an open mind. but you've been the complete opposite. your jealousy and rage need to be controlled. it angers me everytime you're disrespectful and ungrateful to those who have helped you the most. then you show even more disrespect by running to the person who has hurt you the most. they feed you the bullshit and you eat it like you're a starving animal. why can't you just ever stop and see through it all? i just want you to do better. i want you to be better. i know you can. i hope you can. but do you know that you can?

8. you are my hero. i know you get disappointed in me sometimes and i get disappointed in myself for disappointing you. but i'm trying. i'm trying to be a better person. i'm trying to be half the person you are.

9. i'm sorry that one misunderstanding led to the disinigration of our friendship early on in the days. i never meant to hurt you, but you probably hated me anyways. you should've talked to me about it, but i was probably the last person that you wanted to see. i'm glad we got past that, but sometimes i think that you're still hurt. you joke about it occasionally, and i feel like i can still see an open wound in your eyes. i'm so sorry for all the pain it's caused you and the time it took for you to heal. things will get better now, i promise.

10. thank you, thank you, thank you! you've not only inspired some of the greatest and cutest drawings of my life, but you've also been there to listen to all my ranting and raving. even through that, we've had some preeety good laughs, so i'm sure that we'll be friends in the long run. and thank you for introducing me to the best book of my life (currently.) it gives me hope that true love never dies and that chivalry still exists.

a reminder of why we have to cherish life and the people who are in it

DAVIE, Fla. - Kim Sjostrom wanted a real-life version of the film "My Big Fat Greek Wedding," which played in the background as friends fixed her hair and makeup before her own marriage ceremony.

But less than an hour after she and Teddy Efkarpides were wed, Sjostrom crumpled in her husband's arms during a Greek song that means "Love Me."
At 36, Sjostrom was dead from heart disease.
The wedding had became a project at Davie Elementary School, where Sjostrom taught first grade. Fellow teachers provided the wedding gown, the flowers and decorations. One of them, an ordained minister, performed the ceremony.
"It was perfect for her," said Dominic Church, the minister friend.
Sjostrom carried blue and white flowers during the ceremony — the colors of the Greek flag — as she exchanged vows with Efkarpides, a 43-year-old carpenter and Navy veteran. They had met three years to the day before the Jan. 19 wedding.
During the couple's first dance, Sjostrom complained of being lightheaded. Efkarpides thought his wife, a diabetic, needed sugar, but she collapsed.
Wedding guests, paramedics and doctors at a nearby hospital were unable to revive her.
She had a previous cardiac episode in her 20s and was a poster child — literally — for juvenile diabetes, relatives and friends said. Efkarpides recalled seeing the poster featuring her on New York subways.
He consoles himself by reading a list of "101 Reasons Why I Love You" that Sjostrom gave him their first Christmas together. "Number 1. You make me smile."
No. 98 is especially difficult: "You're the one I want to grow old with."

worries.

a wave of panic seized me and hit me with an impetuous of a mack truck going 80 on the highway. tears sprang to my eyes and i couldn't even remember how to breathe. i lost control of everything, yet the only think i could think of was "please keep my baby safe." it was irrational, yes; but i couldn't stop myself from getting angry. it was the single-most selfish thing i've ever witnessed. how could they put their own desires in front of their child's safety? it was ridiculous and yet, i couldn't stop them from going. i mean, who was i to try and stop them from taking their own child? and still i felt more like a paternal figure than them. this was getting out of hand, and people were offering their sympathies with their "i'm sorries" and "i hope you feel better." it does, but it doesn't. no one really understands unless they've experienced this whole fiasco first hand. it just doesn't get any worse than this.

helloo.

hmm. well, it's been a while since i've done blogging of any sort, and what better place to begin? i mean, xanga has been replaced by so many other types of crap; it's crazy. anyway, let's just start this new blog with a little explanation. the title is basically how i want to live my life right now. i don't want to remember any past regrets or things that have made me angry and sad, so i'm starting over. and the url? haha. it's what i do here. whenever i decide to write, it's always about my day, or how i'm feeling, and laughing, crying, and loving is almost all the emotions i have, balled into one. idk if that made sense, but it'll be interesting to see where this goes. hello to a new blog site, and a new me..i guess.