my sun after the storm.

hmm. i had a really bad day today. i finally let a few more people know about that "elusive not so much of a past" of mine. it was terrible. it always feels good to talk about it, but then i always feel terrible after. it's like those family responsibilities are too ingrained in my mind. it always goes back to protecting my family. there are so many things i wish i could do, but i never really can. and i was just thinking today, when i was sad, that it kind of scares me how much i depend on you for my existence when i'm sad. i don't know. eventually, i guess i can't always use you as a crutch, but right now, it feels so comforting to know that somehow, things will get better once you say: "josie! how have you been? we haven't talked in a long time!" even though it's only been a few days. i don't know. i think i just need a few days, even months, to sort through all this. and then maybe, only maybe, will i be fine.